It was a nice run trying out blogging but I don’t think it is for me. I am not getting the satisfaction that I expected! Maybe I expected too much! I guess that is my personality. If I try something and it doesn’t go how I expected. I move on to something new. I think I would get more satisfaction journaling for myself. So for now I am going to move on. I may give it a shot another time but for now I am going to lay it to rest! Later…
You know in life there are just things that u can’t explain…you try to put your finger on it but it just doesn’t make sense! I have tried to find a tangible or mechanical reasons as to how something like this could occur! There was no explanation! I was puzzled!!! I was writing on my sister-in-laws FB post! Her father died almost 2 years ago and she felt responsible for not returning his call the night he died! She felt she could’ve saved him! I wrote to her and told her it wasn’t her fault and that she had no way of knowing. I told her that her Dad wanted nothing more than her to be happy in her life and he loved her very much! He is looking down from the heavens and smiling, he will always be your guardian angel! When I was almost done writing to her the garage door light turned on and off sporadically like a Morris code! This light only will turn on when u open or close the garage door and will stay solidly lit for 1 minute. There was a sense of urgency with the light…it was a freak phenomena!! I tried to shut the light off from the control panel…it wouldn’t stop flashing on and off. I checked a few other things. Nothing would stop the light!!! I then sat down on the garage steps, posted my comment to my sister-in-law! I then felt compelled to text her my experience. This is not what I would normally do, it is something u would just keep to yourself because it sounds just unbelievable!! But something compelled me to write her, so I did! I told her the whole story and how I felt that it was her father urging me to send the FB message to her. When I was done sending her the text the light stayed solidly on as if her father had approved! I sat and stared at the light and i felt peace. I received a text from my sister-in-law and she relayed to me that she cried when she read my text! She said a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and she no longer felt guilty or responsible for her fathers death! Then the light turned off…
I have contemplated over this subject over and over! I have come to the conclusion that most people don’t want to hear the truth and don’t want your opinion even if they are asking! I don’t mince on words! If someone asks my opinion, I will tell them it. I am not saying my opinion is correct! It is just how i see it with the information that is relayed to me. I do choose my words accordingly, so I am not harsh! I show compassion but I may not tell the person what they want to hear! Unfortunately most people are thin skinned and ultimately will turn on you! Human behavior is unpredictable! It is perplexing to me, yet it is intriguing. I am getting to the point where I don’t want to give my opinion anymore. Sometimes it’s better to listen and keep a catatonic composure, lol!!!
As I reflect on poor choices in the past, I cringe, I smh, I lower my head in shame, I feel sadness, pain, anger, hurt, regret, powerless, lonely, bitter and depressed. I slowly lift my head up and look to the sky…God I am only human…please help me pick and choose the right path. I didn’t choose to be bipolar but please guide me, for I know not where to go from here…please close the wounds and let them heal! Please forgive and cleanse me of my sins known and unknown. Please lock the bad memories in the deepest chamber of my brain and throw the key away! Please wipe away my river of tears and replace it with joy and happiness! I know u only give us what we can handle and u must of thought I was strong enough to endure bipolar! I thank u for blessing me and getting me through the toughest of times! I need your help to stay strong, poised and graceful while I pick up the pieces in the path of destruction. I have faith and I give u all of the glory God! I know that u know my heart…please show me the way.
That’s a joke!! I might as well resign to the fact that it is impossible to understand one’s behavior! I am wasting time making my own conclusions! So why do I continue to try to figure people out?? It’s a contangulated mess!! I just have to forget about it! But when it involves me I get caught up the web of insanity! I can’t just let it go!! So here I am stuck trying to figure out how I can resolve an issue that perplexes me! I must set the problem on the back burner and let it simmer for awhile. Soooooo for now, I am going to drop it! The problem will have to sit in limbo for awhile! I can’t and I won’t let it eat away at me! I don’t need the stress! Moving on…
Once a fool, always a fool! What is your interpretation of this saying?? Well I think u would be a fool to believe this saying, lol:)! But if you think of it in another way such as you have been fooled that one time and u can’t change the fact that u were a fool once! I also think that everyone has been fooled more than they would like to talk about but hopefully u learn from your foolish mistakes and not get fooled twice for the same thing! I guess if you really think about it, it is sort of true! Nobody is smart enough to out fool everyone without being fooled themselves! That’s a mouthful! I am not sure I can process what I just wrote, lol!! Have an unfoolish day, lol:)!!
Yo, tonight I am just going to randomly shoot the shit about a subject! No particular subject, just something other than what I generally write about! Some crazy thoughts just came to mind! Have u ever got a crack in the crack of your ass! I asked a group of colleagues that question one time! Man it was a regular crack up fest, lol! Somebody asks me What Do You Mean? I said have u ever had the crack of your ass split…you know don’t u? She said No Explain Yourself! Well I said My ass crack split open from swimming in the ocean everyday on vacation for a week…my goodness…it hurts like hell…I have been putting on triple antibiotic ointment and now it itches like hell! That’s why I am looking to rub my ass wherever I can! I can’t just scratch it in public, lol!! Haven’t any of u ever got a cracked ass crack?? Everyone laughed and said NO!!! A couple weeks later a colleague summons me to their office! She said “You are not going to believe this! We went swimming on our vacation in the lake! I ended up with a cracked ass crack! I kid u not! Omg, damn that hurts! Now I know what u meant!” We both laughed our ass cracks off, lmao!!!!
Negativity can consume you! It can damn well eat u alive if u let it! I am on the border of being eaten alive! I am trying to cross that line ⛔️of negativity and turn it into positivity “+”!!!! So I must filter my thoughts and pull out the good thoughts! Difficult task indeed!!! It’s the old saying: Think before u speak!! Easier said than done! Instead of focusing on the negatives of bipolar, I should focus on the positives!! Hmmmmmm, I say!! What could be possibly positive about being bipolar?? I have to dig deep!! Okayyyyyy, well I should be thankful for all those that have remained in my life although some avoid understanding. I should be thankful that I didn’t physically hurt someone or myself. I should be thankful for the meds that keep me somewhat functional! I should be thankful that God kept me safe during my journey into darkness!! See, I guess u can find a bright side in every dark corner!!
You look sick, do u feel okay?? Frankly I Am getting SICK & TIRED of hearing that question!!! I just want to respond TRY TAKING THE MEDS I TAKE SOMETIME and THEN TELL ME HOW U FEEL!!! UGH!! REALLY?!?! I feel like SHIT EVERYDAY!!! My gosh, I am in a constant medication restraint…PLEASE…don’t make me feel any worse than I already do!!! Yes I look and feel like crap…put yourself in my shoes for crying out loud!!!
Hmmmmm??? I am filling out a job application. Name, address, previous address, education, employers, references…then you get to that dreaded question: have u ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?? I stare at the question! Then I feel violated! Then I ask myself…is this question necessary?? Then I get paranoid and look around as if someone is looking at me funny and watching me answer the question. HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS QUESTION ?? Does this potential employer have a right to know? If I check the box NO, could they fire me later if I got the job and they found out I had a mental illness? Would they choose not to hire me if I had a mental illness? My mind runs through all these questions. I don’t like lying but in the past I have checked the box YES!! The next question is: IF YOU ANSWERED YES, explain your illness. OMG, now what?? So I reluctantly wrote BIPOLAR!! The applications I filled out truthfully about my illness…I never was even called for an interview!!! The applications that I wrote “NO” for that question…I got the job! You tell me!! Is that discrimination? Of course it is!! But I would never be able to prove it!! How would you respond to this question if u were diagnosed with Bipolar?????